I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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