I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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