WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
