The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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