does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
