I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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