Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
