I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can you bring me the toilet please
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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