Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
