Kiss
Puke
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
