now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
