you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
