Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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