my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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