Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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