Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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