Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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