when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
