the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
