They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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