I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
