I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
