The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
