Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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