Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
