I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
