Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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