I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
