i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
