got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
