I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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