Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
