I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
no, he came in my armpit
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize