The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
