Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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