I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
