I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize