What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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