You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
