You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
