If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
