One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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