I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
