he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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