last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
there is puke in my bra ... again
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