last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
