I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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