My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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