Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I could make wine with my vomit
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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