Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
