see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
