does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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