She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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