I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
